Fighting Without Fighting

-Ground Rules for Conflict Resolution

-Face the problem, disagreement, or difference of opinion squarely. It's not going to go away just because you don't talk about it.

-Try to understand your partner's point of view. Listen intently to what he or she is really saying - and why. Ask nonthreatening and nonblaming questions to clarify the key points of disagreement.

-Respond in an honest, yet caring way.

-Tell you partner how you feel, and allow him or her to do the same, even if the feelings are negative ones (like resentment, anxiety, anger, guilt).
It's better to get those feelings out on the table where the other person can understand them rather than trying to guess what they are.

-Your partner is not the cause of your emotions, so you cannot expect him or her to "fix" how you're feeling or vice versa.

-Accept your share of the responsibility for coping with any conflict. Don't always leave it up to your partner to raise uncomfortable issues or propose solutions.

-Be willing to explore compromises or workable alternatives. It's not necessary - or even desirable - that one side "win" a conflict. Try to figure out a way that both of you get at least part of your needs met.

-Take steps, however small, to begin to implement the agreement you have come together. There's nothing like a little change in the situation to make both sides feel better, and there's nothing worse than talking about a problem and having nothing happen as a result.

-Set definite time for review to see if the issue needs further discussion or work.

Fighting Fair

To presume that you will not argue after you are married is idealistic; it simply is not true. You will argue. And many psychologists would say that a good argument is often healthy because it promotes dialogue (couples listen and talk with one another) and good communication. However, if theya re to be fair and fruitful, marital arguments should follow certain ground rules. Hopefully, the goal of an argument is to solve a problem, not destroy the other person. While avoiding argument at all costs is unhealthy and stifling, arguing without certain positive guidelines can be destructive and disheartening. Here are a few tips.

Ground Rules:

· Listen to your partner. Give each other the opportunity to speak and be heard, and don't dominate the discussion.
· Stick to the issues at hand. Dredging up past hurts or problems, where real or perceived, is not helpful.
· Always complete the argument. To walk away angry or postpone the discussion indefinitely can cause more problems.
· Don't sling mud. Avoid sarcasm and name-calling. Use of phrases such as "stupid jerk," "fat slob," "drunken bum," or "lazy lump" only serves to hurt and incite more anger.
· Never use physical violence.
· Never threaten to withdraw love or sex.
· Avoid the "silent treatment." Nothing gets solved this way.
· When you are wrong, admit it.
· Don't make a scene. Never deliberately embarass each other or others by arguing in front of other family members or in public. Keep your arguments private.
· Make up and mean it. Bitterness and grudges will undermine your relationship.






	While fighting with your partner is not always bad, it's not exactly pleasant either, and it's certainly not what you are getting married to do. First of all, some things are just not worth arguing about. Remember, it's "for better or worse." You also need to learn now - before the wedding- the difference between the negotiable and the non-negotiable for both you and your partner. Still, plenty of serious issues over the years will produce conflict. It is important for both of you to stand up for what you believe and to feel that you are getting what you expect from your relationship. Here are some suggestions for healthy, noncombative conflict resolution:
	-Ground Rules for Conflict Resolution -Face the problem, disagreement, or difference of opinion squarely. It's not going to go away just because you don't talk about it. -Try to understand your partner's point of view. Listen intently to what he or she is really saying - and why. Ask nonthreatening and nonblaming questions to clarify the key points of disagreement. -Respond in an honest, yet caring way. -Tell you partner how you feel, and allow him or her to do the same, even if the feelings are negative ones (like resentment, anxiety, anger, guilt). It's better to get those feelings out on the table where the other person can understand them rather than trying to guess what they are. -Your partner is not the cause of your emotions, so you cannot expect him or her to "fix" how you're feeling or vice versa. -Accept your share of the responsibility for coping with any conflict. Don't always leave it up to your partner to raise uncomfortable issues or propose solutions. -Be willing to explore compromises or workable alternatives. It's not necessary - or even desirable - that one side "win" a conflict. Try to figure out a way that both of you get at least part of your needs met. -Take steps, however small, to begin to implement the agreement you have come together. There's nothing like a little change in the situation to make both sides feel better, and there's nothing worse than talking about a problem and having nothing happen as a result. -Set definite time for review to see if the issue needs further discussion or work. Fighting Fair To presume that you will not argue after you are married is idealistic; it simply is not true. You will argue. And many psychologists would say that a good argument is often healthy because it promotes dialogue (couples listen and talk with one another) and good communication. However, if theya re to be fair and fruitful, marital arguments should follow certain ground rules. Hopefully, the goal of an argument is to solve a problem, not destroy the other person. While avoiding argument at all costs is unhealthy and stifling, arguing without certain positive guidelines can be destructive and disheartening. Here are a few tips. Ground Rules: · Listen to your partner. Give each other the opportunity to speak and be heard, and don't dominate the discussion. · Stick to the issues at hand. Dredging up past hurts or problems, where real or perceived, is not helpful. · Always complete the argument. To walk away angry or postpone the discussion indefinitely can cause more problems. · Don't sling mud. Avoid sarcasm and name-calling. Use of phrases such as "stupid jerk," "fat slob," "drunken bum," or "lazy lump" only serves to hurt and incite more anger. · Never use physical violence. · Never threaten to withdraw love or sex. · Avoid the "silent treatment." Nothing gets solved this way. · When you are wrong, admit it. · Don't make a scene. Never deliberately embarass each other or others by arguing in front of other family members or in public. Keep your arguments private. · Make up and mean it. Bitterness and grudges will undermine your relationship. Copyright - 1992 Augsburg Fortress