"What is the most common cause of marital breakups?" In all honesty some of them answer…
"These two people should never have married in the first place-
or, at least, they should never have married each other."
Most of you will build satisfactory marriages; many of you will build very happy marriages. For the few of
you who might not do either, the following warning signs might well indicate whether you should have second
thoughts. We will call then the fourteen "ifs."
1. You may be very deeply in love, but IF you have known each other for
less than three months,
professionals say it is doubtful that you have been acquainted long enough
to really know the person you plan
to marry. Better give yourselves and the relationship more time.
2. IF your partner has been really drunk or used drugs heavily after
three times in the past three weeks or
about ten times in the past three or four months, he or she may have a
problem that requires professional
help. No marriage should begin if one partner is clearly unstable, troubled,
and in need of professional help.
3. IF you partner makes statements like "I owe a great deal to mother.
It's my duty to maker her happy," and
IF such statements are coupled with behavior that makes apparent that
he or she will do almost anything to
ensure parental approval, you should consider how close a relationship
with in-laws a healthy marriage can
sustain.
4. IF your partner says things like: "I can't live without you;
my life has no meaning apart from you; IF I ever
lost you I would kill myself," and IF such statements are joined
to very obvious dependent behavior, he or she
may bring nothing to the relationship beyond deep draining needs. Being
needed so desperately may flatter
the ego for awhile, but IF that's all there is, the relationship may become
dull and draining.
5. IF you have developed a pattern of quarrelling with, disappointing,
seriously irritating, or hurting each other
during the majority of times that you have been together in the last three
months, perhaps you are trying
subconsciously to tell each other something. Think about it. Marriage
will not erase this type of discontent.
6. IF many of the significant, mature people in your life - parents,
relatives, teachers, and especially good
friends who love you, - indicate that you may be making a mistake, you
should take pause. IF people muster
up the courage to comments (in words or otherwise) on another's decision,
weigh their opinions and
nonverbal reactions carefully.
7. IF some very serious problem has occurred in the past few weeks, and
if it is definitely troubling you, and
if you have not had an opportunity to work it through, then either confront
the problem or think about
postponing the wedding.
8. IF your financial situation is uncertain, and there appears to be
no means of correcting it in the near future,
don't pass it off because "we're in love." Statistics show that
financial problems are a significant factor in the
dissolution of at least 40 percent of all marriages. Although money does
not buy happiness, lack of money
can cause a great deal of stress and unhappiness.
9. IF all of your friends are marrying and you feel pressured to do the
same, don't! You can sustain any
amount of societal or peer pressure to avoid an unhappy life.
10. IF you feel that having become sexually involved commits you to marrying
each other despite serious
problems in your relationship, don't. A good marriage is predicated on
maturity and responsibility, not on
sexual involvement that may not be founded on love.
11. IF both of you are eighteen years of age or under, your potential
for divorce is three and a half time
greater than that of people who are over twenty one years of age and over.
12. IF you are marrying because you just have to get out of the house,
you will ultimately hurt only yourself
IF marriage is merely a means of asserting your freedom or "getting
back" at your parents for past hurts.
Moving out of the house might be very appropriate, but should marriage
be the excuse or the way?
13. IF you are pregnant couple (it does take two!), then slow down, think,
talk, ponder, and pray. Neither
pregnancy itself nor the fear of any social stigma that pregnancy might
cause are good reasons to marry.
Ask yourselves whether you would really marry one another if there were
no pregnancy.
14. IF your backgrounds or cultures differ so greatly that strong differences
of opinion about important
matter have already occurred, the difficulties will more than likely increase
when you marry. Further, IF one
partner consistently compromises and the other never does, resentment
might eventually build up on both
sides. You should be able to meet one another at least halfway.
Copyright - 1992 Augsburg Fortress