Communication is the interaction or exchange of feelings, thoughts, ideas, and desires among two or more people by such modes as sign language, speech, writing, expression, gesture, touch, or broadcasting. We communicate in order to share knowledge and experiences. Good communication involves listening, assertiveness, and responsibility. Communication involves the sharing of a message with another person, in such a way that he or she understands what you are saying. Communication can be interactive, intentional, or unintentional; it can also be verbal or nonverbal. In addition, communication can be intrapersonal (within one person) or interpersonal (between two people).

Characteristics of Communication:

• Different cultures and religions use symbols to communicate.
• Communication is a process (on-going, always changing, ability to give and receive)
• Communication involves shared meanings

Our relationships with other people have a great impact upon our every aspect of life. The primary component and essence of relationships is communication; and yet, even between people who care deeply for each other, communication sometimes becomes blocked. The farthest distance between two people occurs when they don't talk to each other and become strangers in their own environment. A common reason for frustration in marriage is a breakdown in communication. Often times we cannot put our feelings into words. Our partner speaks but we do not hear. We stare helplessly across an abyss of silence, or in frustration, we hurl attacks that drive us further apart. Working on improving our communication skills can help us to break through these sorts of predicaments. Communication in a marriage or a relationship is crucial to its success. Lovers tend to understand their partner's body language through experience, history, and community. Some people also use symbols as words to sense what's wrong. Others need to be taught what signs to look for.

Basic Forms of Communication

Nonverbal - communicating without words, having less structure, conveying meaning more accurately, reading and writing, symbols, body language, and sign language

Verbal - listening, reading out loud, speaking

Internal - exchanging ideas and information within a relationship

External - exchanging ideas and information with outsiders

Key Points to Good Communication

• Laughter releases chemicals (Endorphins and Serotonin) in the body that produce "good feelings" and is the shortest distance between two people, especially in marriages - find something that makes you both laugh (Remember to laugh with me and not at me). Humor is known to ease tension and make difficult conversations more acceptable, fun and alive.
• Each person contributes to the best of his or her abilities for the common good of the relationship.
• Every relationship contains points of similarity and harmony as well as points of conflict and difference.
• Through understanding, it is possible to cultivate and encourage the positive and harmonious, and keep relationships growing and fruitful through the highs and lows of the passing years.
• It is not only what you say to your partner that is important, but it's how you say it that can make the difference.
• Good communication skills can improve your confidence in order to fulfill your goals and aspirations, individually and as a couple.
• When communication breaks down, rebuild it through forgiving, positive criticism, accepting the past and dealing with it so it doesn't take over your future life, etc.
• Communication is a two way process. You must give in order to receive.
• It's okay to disagree but "Speak without offending and listen without defending"
• The closest relationships involve mutual support.
• Trust your instincts.
• Learn to compromise and see how the person appreciates their values.

Open communication between couples in a relationship is essential. Feelings need to be expressed freely without offending the person you are speaking to. When we speak we need to present our opinions without giving directions.

When listening to our partners and vice versa, we need to be attentive, and open minded. We should not be defensive with our response. It's counterproductive for partners to listen and defend themselves at the same time. We all learn about one another by listening. If you feel your partner may have offended you, or you don't understand what they are trying to say, ask clarification questions. "I don't know what you mean by… ?" These respectful interactions are essential to developing good communication. You and your partner need to work as a team in order to get the job done. It's not a competition between partners. We need to support one another. Communication, like intimacy, is a process that may take time and patience.

In some relationships where starting good communication skills are difficult, talking to your partner about how your day was is a good place to start. This small step just takes a few minutes a day. As conversations become more comfortable, you and your partner can move on to more sensitive topics without trying to come to a conclusion that same day. If something has made you very upset, you need to calm down before you respond. This is something you need to recognize in yourself. Let your partner know, "I'm angry right now. I need time to cool down." Set a time limit to respond and talk about an issue or disagreement that may have happened, e.g., one hour to tomorrow. If we don't set time limits, procrastination takes over the whole idea of open communication.

Procrastination "is the thief of time" (Edward Young, 1742) also the "art of keeping up with yesterday." It is a nagging menace that compels us to put things off for another day, another time. It is putting off a scary or difficult task. There are two types, transitive senses: to put off intentionally and habitually, and intransitive senses: to put off intentionally the doing of something that should be done. For some people this is a persistent problem, and for others it appears in only some area of their lives. The result, though, is the same for everyone: increased anxiety, wasted time, poor performance, missed opportunities, guilt, excusing ourselves and avoiding people who depend on us.

Communication is the healthy way of stating meeting our goals, expectations, and needs. Poor communication skills affect your relationships, performance at work, your self-confidence, and your physical health. When effective communication is not used or learned, people pick up unhealthy tactics to cope and meet their needs, such as:

• non-verbal "The Silent Treatment"
• negative attitudes (e.g., Men are better than women, Men don't cry, Women are meant to stay at home, etc.)
• isolation
• acting out
• verbal aggression
• numbing - "I don't care"
• depression
• blaming

Getting our needs met either by other avenues can have personal and social consequences:

• Can damage current relationships and prevent new ones
• Can create unhealthy patterned relationships: co-dependent, distant
• Can become a part of our identity - who we believe we are - for example, depressed, passive, numb, angry, aggressive, etc.
• It can prevent healthy growth

We can overcome feelings of resentment as long as each person is willing to participate in conversation to extinguish these feelings. It is never too late for dialogue with anyone, especially your loved ones, and, most importantly, your partner. In many instances, couples would benefit from professional assistance either of a therapist or counselor, to help them get their relationships back on track. It is much easier to repair what was once a loving relationship than to start over.

Communication issues can occur in any type of environment.

Stereotyping, is the process of categorizing and making assumptions that people will behave a certain way based on identified characteristics such as gender, ethnicity, age, values and culture (shying away from people who are culturally different, which is why people of similar racial and cultural backgrounds tend to group together), disability, religion, status in society, differences in perception of reality, emotions, attitudes (some people don't want to change or is afraid to change), poor listening, position in organization, and/or physical distraction. When we set up boundaries to communication, we perceive other people differently. We set limits to what we think they will understand. Whether we realize it or not, many times we do not and it often happens unconsciously, we all stereotype and make assumptions about others at one time or another. Most of us do it on a regular basis.

Lack of Understanding - Because people may have differences in values, beliefs, methods of reasoning, communication styles, work styles, and personality types, communication difficulties will often occur. In order to communicate effectively, each party must have a clear and accurate understanding of the thoughts, feelings, ideas, values, styles, desires and goals of the other person. But because of the differences between communication partners, this understanding is not always gained. This is compounded by the fact that many of us are not very effective at getting to understand the ways in which others may differ.

Judgmental Attitudes - Most of us would like to believe we are open minded and accepting. But in reality, a great many of us find discomfort with those who are different in terms of values, beliefs and behaviors. We may then evaluate those values, beliefs and behaviors in a negative light. This is the essence of ethnocentrism, where we evaluate good and bad, right and wrong relative to how closely the values, behaviors and ideas of others mirror our own. Put simply, to effectively interact with people who are different from us, we must suspend judgment about their ways, and try to get to understand them from their perspective. But for most of us, this is much easier said than done.

Four things you can do to maximize the likelihood that your speaking partner will understand your message:

Speak Clearly - If you want someone to do something, say exactly what you want done, and speak using the shortest, most familiar words possible.

Speak Openly - To enhance communication effectiveness, you should be open with people as much as possible. Being open refers to a willingness to talk about yourself, to be honest and unguarded, to welcome change, to be open to differences in people and ideas, and to be open to doing things in new ways. Being open is an excellent way to get people to open up and listen to you.

Speak Inclusively - Inclusive language acknowledges different people and creates a more positive work environment where people feel included. To communicate inclusively, use terms that will be understood and respected by people of different backgrounds, refer to people by the names they wish to be called (e.g., physically challenged instead of handicapped), and eliminate language that suggests that men are the standard for all human beings (e.g., use both masculine and feminine pronouns).

Check for Understanding - The single most effective way to ensure that your speaking partner has accurately received your message is to ask them. You should consistently check to make sure that what you are saying is fully understood by the person you are conversing with. Ask your speaking partner to "reflect" back to you what you have said so that you can check to make sure they understand the message in the specific way that you intended. A simple way to do this is to end your conversation with a review of what each of you will do next (For instance, "I will do ______, what will you do?).

* Art & Felicia Soisson-Segal, Ph.D.
* Donahue & Roxanne Holland